The Day I Hated My Thesis

 Guest Blog by Sarah McLewin Kincaid, @SarahJoyKincaid

      Thesis writing had been quite pleasant up until this point. Sure, 5:30 a.m.

came fast but there was just nothing like those quiet morning hours of solitude and

intense concentration. I was in my last semester of graduate school, sprinting

through my thesis to get to graduation. The first half of the semester was just

focused on getting a draft together. It was full of exploration, discovery, and sweet

beginnings.


       But that’s not where I was anymore. With October behind me, I was entering

into the home stretch. Discoveries had to be defended. Beginnings had to link to

coherent endings. And, worst of all, I needed to make some sense of all the trails I

had blazed. Staring at my draft, cluttered with comments and red lines, I asked

myself, in horror, . . . “ What have I done?” It was as if I had created a beast that was

intent on sucking the life out of me. I stared at my conclusion chapter, completely

lost. What does this all mean? The words echoed in my tired mind.

Since I started my thesis, I had committed myself to enjoying the process.

(For more on why that’s essential read this). I refused to talk about my thesis as if it

were a punishment. After all, I had chosen it. It wasn’t something to hate. It was

something to own, to make the most of, and to relish.


        But the day came when I hated my thesis. I hated how poor I was, how tired I

was, how infrequently I saw my spouse, and how short my works outs were. I hated

all of the exploratory research that pointed to areas for future research . . . research I

didn’t have time to think about. It felt like I had unknowingly and masochistically

embarked on a jungle trek that I couldn’t end. “How can I land this plane?” I asked

myself. And, really, I just wanted to jump out of the plane. All that I could think is . . .

I’m done with this!


      Fortunately, that’s a familiar feeling for me. Running cross-country is good

training for thesis writing. In a 5k race, once you approach the beginning of the last

mile, you just want to walk off of the course and never run again. Mile 3 takes sheer

will power. You cannot listen to your legs or your breath or your shoulders

screaming to slump over. All you can think about is the finish.

       Before, I had enjoyed the process of writing so much. Now I wasn’t enjoying

it and I couldn’t convince myself to. I hated it so much. Hate was a new feeling. It

was overwhelming and so were the revisions I needed to make. “How was I going to

get through?” I asked myself, exasperated and so afraid of failing.

The more I hated it the less motivated I was to complete it. And that’s when I

started to panic . . . because graduating was not optional. So I learned to reckon with

my hatred. And that’s why I’m writing this post. Because if you don’t hate your

thesis or dissertation now, that day may come. So here are four tactics for reckoning

with your hatred and finishing your writing project.

1. Accept the Pain

When you’re running a race (or writing a thesis/dissertation), you are testing

your limits. That sounds like it’s thrilling but it’s really not. It’s miserable. It’s

painful. And it’s ugly. To get through it you must choose to accept the pain. Finishing

always hurts. Once you accept that, it does actually get better.

2. Keep a Finishing Mindset

One major hurdle to finishing was that as I made revisions I found more

problems with my draft than I had time to fix. For example, when I tried to respond

to a comment from my committee I would see three other problems that also

needed to be fixed. To help me focus only on my committee’s feedback, I wrote the

words “FINISH IT” on a post it note and kept it in front of my computer. This helped

me to not worry about odds and ends and focus only on my committee’s feedback. It

also helped me to remember to conserve my efforts. Which leads me to my next

point . . .

3. Make it a little better

At this point, I was so fatigued that it was easier than ever to get discouraged.

If I came across a problematic paragraph my ambition just evaporated. I kept myself

motivated by focusing on what was do-able. If something looked challenging then I’d

simply ask myself, “What will make this a little better?”

4. Quit Early and Fast

      Some days I just needed to stop. If you feel you’re not being productive quit

early and fast. If I really felt miserable, I’d often challenge myself to what I call the

15 minute productivity test. I challenged myself to work productively for another

15 minutes. Sometimes that 15 minutes would become a productive hour. And

sometimes that 15 minutes would go to waste. If I couldn’t pass the 15 minute

productivity test, I’d quite. Regardless of whatever I had planned to do that day, I’d

just take the day off from writing, go do laundry, go grocery shopping, exercise, call

a friend, whatever… just do something, anything completely different than writing.

This kept me from wasting hours of nonproductive time in the library. When I took

time off, I found that I came back the next day (or later that evening) refreshed and

ready to work.

      I am glad that I made a mental commitment early on in my thesis to enjoy the

process. But because of that I was not mentally prepared for how challenging the

end of the semester would be. I hope that you take delight in your writing project.

But if the day comes that you hate it just remember: accept the pain, keep a finishing

mind-set, make it a little bit better, and quite early and fast!